Raw.

Hey,

I’m just sitting down right now watching tv. There are several things I should be doing like doing my homework or revising but I’m not because there are a million thoughts running through my mind and you are the one that comes up most during my days. I try talking to you and your don’t care or you’re indifferent or you’re just busy. I don’t think you know what it does to me. It tears me apart and I don’t know why. I can go days and weeks without speaking to my best friends but I can’t with you. I just feel completely out of sync if I don’t and you just stroll through your day being merry you. I know I haven’t always been like this and I hate that I am like this because I know I annoy you and I know you don’t want to deal with me and my shit and my illness. I know all that but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do. Should I just brush this off and stay shut? Should I just say something? Should I disappear? Like I just can’t keep it together. I don’t know if you feel how hurt I am or how I’m sitting here not staring at the screen because I’m crying a fucking river. I know we talked about how I changed. But you changed too. You point the finger at me but you don’t see the ones pointing right back. You used to care and would show me you care. You used to want to do things with me. You used to want to talk to me. Then all of a sudden it was gone and you left me empty. As if it isn’t hard enough to struggle with depression and high anxiety and everything else with my family, this is going on too. I know you say you can’t help me. Maybe that’s true but you’re not present to try. We don’t hang out unless I beg you to. You don’t talk to me unless I nag at you. I took these as signs that you didn’t want me in your life but when I ask you if you do want me in your life you say you do. I wrote this because it doesn’t fit in a text and I can’t talk to your face and I’m afraid to call.

XOXO.